we attract what we are

“I am enough.”

From My Journal, Day 1

On a seemingly unremarkable night, I found myself rolling on the floor and screaming that I deserved to be loved for all of me.

A few hours prior, I ended yet another relationship. I was alone. I was angry. My pain was so intense, the image of me curled up on that floor has since vividly imprinted on my mind.  

The truth is I did not believe it. I did not believe I was deserving of love. I did not believe I was enough. I yelled it. I wrote it in my journal. But I did not believe it. I did not understand it. I did not see it reflected in any aspect of my life.

The objective reality was that I was a very unhappy person, and I was unhappy to be around. My mindset was marred with negativity. I was trapped in victim mentality. I had a history of battling clinical depression on and off for years. I was crippled by anxiety. I routinely gossiped and complained; and I envied, judged, criticized, blamed, and guilted others. I had frequent arguments and meltdowns. I often acted like an inconsolable child. I was reactive, volatile and explosive. I lashed out, I cursed, I yelled, and I cried. In short, I was an emotional roller-coaster.  

Below my eruptive surface, I experienced helplessness and powerlessness. I felt unsafe, insecure, unloved, and neglected. I perceived manipulation, control, and oppression. I was haunted by persistent guilt and fear. What appeared to be an unstable unpredictable emotional roller-coaster to others manifested as a constant unyielding swing of a pendulum to me. On one extreme, I felt like a child – abandoned, abused, lacking support and protection. On the other, I was boiling in resentment and rage, which I expressed in a haphazard attempt to protect myself.

At various times in my life, I indeed experienced neglect and abuse, deception, control and manipulation. I did miss a strong supportive hand and a soft soothing touch. My subjective experiences were minimized, denied and in other ways invalidated. I was accused of being too sensitive, and I was mocked for my endless attempts to devise effective strategies to cope with my reality. I was not taught respect and appreciation, patience, tolerance and acceptance, boundaries and self-care. I was akin to a sponge – readily and indiscriminately absorbing undesirable mental and emotional experiences of others, which were conveniently projected and deflected onto me.  

It comes, therefore, as no surprise that I leaked negativity.

It was my norm. It was my reality. It was the only reality I knew. It felt familiar, comfortable and, in a warped manner, safe. I experienced it to different degrees in my platonic and intimate relationships. I sought out bullies and I sought out the bullied. I validated oppressors, and I protected the oppressed. I was a victim, and I was a tyrant.

It is what I unconsciously believed I deserved.

I believed I needed to fight for everything I desired – dreams, goals, accomplishments, recognition, attention, appreciation, consideration, respect, love. I believed I needed to earn my place at a table – every table I sat down at. I believed it was my responsibility to manage others’ reactions – to be sensitive around the narcissistic, self-sufficient around the neglectful, soothing around the distraught, strong around the weak, weak around the insecure, small around the envious, quiet around the irritable, resourceful around the demanding, quick around the impatient. I made faults of others my own – I blamed myself for manipulating the manipulator, failing to provide support to the selfish, being unavailable to the avoidant, taking the ungrateful for granted. I molded myself to accommodate doubts, fears, expectations, and fantasies of others.

It was not enough. None of it was ever enough. I did not believe myself to be enough.

It enraged me. Anger was my signature emotion. Since I did not have boundaries, self-worth, self-respect, and self-care to protect me, nor was I surrounded by people who were willing or able to protect me, I resorted to anger. I perpetually disrupted the very harmony I worked so hard to create. I brought about turmoil. I rattled the cage I built for myself.

And then I kicked myself for it.

It was a ceaseless cycle.

The commonplace advice on how to end this cycle is to find people we can forge healthy relationships with (or attempt to change those we have an unhealthy relationship with). We are encouraged to search and wait for those who will show us that we are lovable and deserving of respect, teach us how to love and respect ourselves, affirm how worthy we really are; in other words, mirror all that is good and wholesome back to us.

One of my therapists told me I would find healing in my relationships. Yet, no matter how many relationships (mostly platonic) I ended and began, no matter how often I set spoken and unspoken intent to forge a conscious relationship founded on respect and appreciation, no matter how many conversations centered on awareness I held with people, I found myself caught in the same dysfunctional relational dynamic – either I was enabling a victim or gratifying a perpetrator.

The harsh truth is that people who have a healthy sense of self-worth do not have close relationships with people who do not feel worthy. They may extend a helping hand, impart words of wisdom to us, point at the beautiful lovable aspects of ourselves (that we cannot see), and even embrace us with tenderness, kindness and love. But they do not lay in bed with those they help. They do not kindle a friendship with those in need of saving. They do not weave the strings that are ragged into the fabric of their support system. They do not build their life on top of a foundation made up of chipped, cracked and otherwise unstable pillars.

I was ragged alright – neglected, worn out and ripped. My entire life revolved around avoidance, obsession, addiction, and compulsive need to validate and prove myself. The only love one could mirror back to me was the codependent kind.  

In order to attract different, I needed to become different.

I know it now, and I knew it then. But I was not capable of admitting and accepting it. I was not ready for everything it took to change. Sometime before the breakup, I wrote in my journal that I wanted to “live up to my own standards, be secure [within] myself, be proud of myself, feel powerful from within, be in charge of my own life, take good care of myself, think kindly of myself, treat myself with respect and set boundaries; and everything else [would] follow.” In other words, I knew I needed to develop a better relationship with myself instead of seeking to distract myself with others. I knew I needed to be alone. Yet, I tossed and turned at night unable to tune out the incessant “But I need validation” in my head.

I did end my romantic relationship shortly after (somewhat to my own surprise), but it would be a while before I was able to truly focus on me – to go within, stay there, and mend my relationship with myself.